50 Signs You Should Stop Shopping at Waitrose.

1. Not having aubergines is viewed as a national disaster 

2. You believe the Daily Mail.

3. You've given your children stupid names.

4. You've weaponized your trolley.

5. Tapenade isn't overuse of a hammer.

6. You think the product names like Ecuadorian Dodo Fruit are genuine.

7. You voted for Brexit but can't understand why there are less products on the shelves.

8. You think Nigel Farage has integrity.

9. Use the phrase 'You there!' when asking for things.

10. You eat halloumi instead of using it to fix windows in place.

11. You are so permanently full of craft gin that you can't remember your children's name(s) no matter how stupid and have to call them 'Darling'

12. You can't understand why people call you a stuck-up, self-absorbed moron.

13. You are convinced the universe revolves around you.

14. You would buy organic pickled water if there was such a thing.

15. You don't use the handle on the trolley anymore.

16. You facetime/phone fellow cretins to let them know what you are buying.

17. You spend most of your visit groping/rearranging the produce on the shelf.

18. You are incapable of putting any item back where it came from.

19. You think your vile offspring are incredibly gifted, whilst everyone else knows they just need a good hiding and would gladly form a queue to administer one.

20. You think that closing time is just designed for you to have the shop to yourself.

21. The designer bag made by sweated labour in the Far East costs more than what you've filled it with.

22. You think that the sight of a man with a child in a papoose is normal.

23. You think that a trolley is a form of mobile childcare.

24. You have taken an on-line course on how to determine the optimum ripeness of avocados.

25. You keep on producing children as you think there is a legal requirement for every aisle to contain a red-faced screaming brat.

26. You think that the John Lewis part of the store actually serves a purpose other than providing a rest area for the clinically idle.

27. You are constantly angered by the fact the shop is full of stuck-up self-absorbed morons!

28. You wouldn't know the difference between a loaf of sourdough and chipboard (although chipboard tastes nicer).

29. You actually think your dog will protest if you don't bring it home organic chicken wings. (It licks its backside for crying out loud!)

30. The words 'Please' and 'Thank you' vanished from your vocabulary a long time ago. This might also indicate you are a manager.

31. You spend more time scrutinising the ingredients on a product than you would the policies of any candidate in an election. This also explains why the country is going down the pan.

32. You think that the sight of a tattooed Eastern European hooker screaming at her offspring is a modern art installation laid on to make you more feel smugger and more self-satisfied than you already are.

33. You think that Hitler would have really enjoyed the selection of vegetarian foods in stock.

34. You would prefer cannibalism rather than be found buying a Fray Bentos pie.

35. You are so blind you need somebody to direct you to something you are standing in front of. Although the most disturbing thing is that you drove to the shop.

36. You actually think that anyone gives a monkeys you talk aloud about the reason for a purchase is that Jocasta and Napier are bringing the grandchildren Othniel and Cyrus over for lunch on Sunday.

37. You have no idea what a muppet you sound like asking for Yum Yums.

38. You have a normal voice and a Waitrose voice, which is a cross between Margaret Thatcher, Prince Harry and Nigel Farage.

39. You ask for gender neutral nappies for your baby boy and wonder why everything you own stinks of urine.

40. You are deluded enough to think you know the range of products and their location better than those that work here.

41. You are the living embodiment of the proverb 'A fool and his money are easily parted.' But that's basically Waitrose's business model.

42. If a recipe says 'cooked quinoa' you insist it has to be in stock and are too stupid to realise that you can buy ordinary quinoa and cook it yourself!

43. You have become totally devoid of any sense of humour as you think having one is common.

44. Your children's first words are something like brioche or tahini. (It might also be their names).

45. Your Tenna Lady pants take a hiding as the excitement of entering the shop proves too much. (Replacements can be found in aisle 18.)

46. You spend so much time in the shop that you've noticed that Waitrose employ several uniformed idiots permanently mince around the shop pushing an empty trolley. These are called team leaders.

47. You would buy 'laitue de porc' as a French delicacy even if it does translate as pig swill.

48. You must go for bereavement counselling each time a product you buy once in a blue moon is discontinued.

49. You think it is normal for men to wear corduroy trousers in a migraine inducing bright primary colour.

50. You insist that taking up two parking bays is normal.